I love plants. I love watching them grow. I love the way they move and shift from day to day... but so slowly we can only capture it with a timelapse video. I love the way their leaves rustle in the wind and how they can be so dramatic if they go without a need for too long... and then receive it. I am often known to say, "I love a good leaf." Seriously, it may be my motto.
There is something so special about watching plants thrive and knowing that you are a part of it. When I see my plants growing and thriving, it feels like I am growing and thriving. I can measure my personal wellbeing by the wellbeing of my plants.
Maybe for that reason, when my plants aren't doing well, I really struggle. I have trouble keeping up with them as soon as it gets hard. I am prone to giving up and letting them wither away, much to my chagrin. And then, to make matters worse, I feel awful that I have killed plants. Sometimes, the plants struggle and then I do, and sometimes I struggle and then the plants do. It is a vicious cycle that is really challenging to step out of once we are in it.
I recently wrote a bit about how being a gardener takes a lot of work and a lot of failure. I was able to see the plant deaths that occurred under my watch as part of the journey of being a gardener. You can't succeed at something unless you are willing to be bad at it first. I know this to be true, and I am content with my gardening skills, for the most part.
Hello cognitive dissonance. Being a gardener takes a lot of failure, but when I fail at gardening (aka plants die) I am a terrible human being.
Isn't it fascinating to discover a cognitive dissonance that you have been living with for a time? Carol Tavris & Elliot Aronson, in their book Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) tell us, "Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity, and, as Albert Camus observed, we are creatures who spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that our existence is not absurd." Oy.
So how do I resolve this dissonance that I have created in myself? Well, I need to dig into the root of each belief and see where they came from. Let's start with the easier of the two, "being a gardener takes a lot of failure". I have learned this from books, fellow gardeners, personal experience, and many quotes and thoughts on the subject. One of my favorite quotes comes from Fred Dale, "My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant’s point of view." I spend a lot of time looking at things from the other's point of view, and it is going to require mistakes and failures along the way. Awesome, this belief seems pretty solid.
Time to look at the other side of this coin, "when I fail at gardening, I am a terrible human being".... This can quickly be shortened to "When I fail, I am terrible." When did I begin to learn that? Childhood. Partially because that is how our school system is set up– there is right and wrong and if you aren't right, then you are wrong– and partially my upbringing that included significant trauma and abuse in my teens and twenties. I spent months working with a therapist to unpack my feelings of unworthiness, and it sure feels like this is a residual bit of that belief that has been tucked away. This is a powerful thing to know, because now that it is out in the open, I can do something about it.
When I have this cognitive dissonance rise to the surface, I can now choose to focus on the belief that is true, the one that is based in fact and expert knowledge and let go of those residual feelings of unworthiness that have caused me to believe I am a failure at gardening and, well, life in general.
So, why did I share this rambling and personal venture into my thinking? Because I want you to deeply understand several things:
Everyone struggles with hidden beliefs that are just waiting to be healed.
When we bring false thinking to the surface, we can look at it and release it.
Sitting in the discomfort of learning unpleasant things about ourselves is necessary for growth and release.
Uncovering and removing hidden beliefs doesn't have to be terrible and time consuming.
When you become conscious of feelings, thought, beliefs, and ideas that don't seem to coincide, stop what you are doing and take 5 minutes to look at them a little more closely. Ask yourself some questions and see what the false belief is and where it came from. Then, consciously choose to release it and replace it with the truth. In my case, "I am worthy of doing things I love, even when I fail at them. Failure is a necessary part of learning. I am a gardener and my best is more than enough."
Whew, those 5 minutes sure are worth the relief I feel.
Some questions to ask yourself as you magnify old beliefs:
When is the first time I thought this about myself?
Whose voice is this belief speaking in?
Does this belief align with what I know to be true about myself?
Would I think this was true if someone else said it about themself?
What is the truth?
Good luck and happy healing!
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